This has been a night of realization and inspiration. Among other things, I realized that up until recently, I had been stuck in the mode of being independent. Now this is not such a bad place to be, it’s certainly better than being dependent.
I’ve made many changes over the past year or so, one of which was a willingness to shift from being independent to being interdependent or choosing to rely on others and not just myself (Keep in mind that choice is the key difference between interdependence and dependence). In considering why it took me so long to make this shift, I realized that part of me didn't want to let go of being independent because part of me never let go of some of the thinks I enjoyed about being single.
I’ve come to believe that all change (“good” change, “bad” change, “all” change) brings with it both gain and loss. And though I embraced what I had to gain in marrying the woman I love, I did not truly acknowledge what was lost in this change. This independent mind contributed to a sense of “you and me” rather than “us.” This may have been a small shift, but these small adjustments are adding up and resulting in a better life.
The lesson: To embrace change as a process of growth and acknowledge both what you gain and what you loose with each change.
February 5, 2009
November 26, 2008
The Bakas / Self Perception
October 24 through November 2, my parents and sister were here to visit. Gavin warmed up to them right away, which I was glad to see as I wasn’t sure he’d remember them and he tends to be a bit stand offish with new people. I also contribute this to the fact that Ann spent the previous couple of weeks before their arrival, showing him their picture and excitedly telling him that Mema and Pops were coming to visit us. Ya, we thought it would be cute if Gavin called them Mema and Pops, but he quickly developed his own name for both of them… “Baka.”
We really enjoyed our time together exploring Nashville, Huntsville, and just hanging out. During one of the evenings at the Marriott in Nashville, I took some photos of Gavin wrestling with the Bakas on the bed. Upon seeing one of these very cut pics, my mother’s first comment was “O! Look at my double chin.” This, along with many more self-deprecating comments voiced throughout the visit made me realize that my time away had caused me to turn off my filter to this kind of talk. I became very aware of just how often the women in my family criticize themselves on the topic of weight or food. Now I love my mother and realize I do not comprehend this as I have not had to struggle with weight, but I cannot help but wonder how much this lens taints her enjoyment of life; it must be a tremendous burden to carry.
Spiritual Note: I had the blessing one night of see my dear wife as God sees her… or at least to the extent that I am able. This moment of clarity gave me great insight as to just how precious we all are. Such a gift it would be to regularly see others and yourself, as God does. Perhaps a good place to start is being as kind and forgiving to ourselves as we are to others.
We really enjoyed our time together exploring Nashville, Huntsville, and just hanging out. During one of the evenings at the Marriott in Nashville, I took some photos of Gavin wrestling with the Bakas on the bed. Upon seeing one of these very cut pics, my mother’s first comment was “O! Look at my double chin.” This, along with many more self-deprecating comments voiced throughout the visit made me realize that my time away had caused me to turn off my filter to this kind of talk. I became very aware of just how often the women in my family criticize themselves on the topic of weight or food. Now I love my mother and realize I do not comprehend this as I have not had to struggle with weight, but I cannot help but wonder how much this lens taints her enjoyment of life; it must be a tremendous burden to carry.
Spiritual Note: I had the blessing one night of see my dear wife as God sees her… or at least to the extent that I am able. This moment of clarity gave me great insight as to just how precious we all are. Such a gift it would be to regularly see others and yourself, as God does. Perhaps a good place to start is being as kind and forgiving to ourselves as we are to others.
November 11, 2008
Hidden Spirituality
I realized tonight, while reading some of my non-posted writings, what it is that’s been holding me back from expressing myself as freely as I would like. It’s actually something that has surfaced time and time again in my life, often causing me to do things I regret.
Many experiences in my life, most of which were the result of simple but honest prayer, have instilled within me a very personal testimony of the Gospel, and more specifically a deep love for my Father in Heaven. And the thing which so often causes me to stop short or causes me to undermine my efforts, is a fear of being in a position or role where I represent something I am incapable of living up to, or at least to the extent I would like to. This was actually easier as a missionary when I was a stranger… just a kid with a name tag. But among friends and family I find it incredibly difficult to show the depths of my spirituality for I cannot bear to discredit that which is so precious to me. And so it is through this blog, I will allow myself to share my core with those who care to look.
In an attempt to feel more comfortable sharing a broader spectrum of my inner world, I posted a journal entry from my mission. It is post dated May 7, 1995 (currently the first post in this blog).
Note: I of course have only myself to blame for any hindrance to personal growth and development.
Many experiences in my life, most of which were the result of simple but honest prayer, have instilled within me a very personal testimony of the Gospel, and more specifically a deep love for my Father in Heaven. And the thing which so often causes me to stop short or causes me to undermine my efforts, is a fear of being in a position or role where I represent something I am incapable of living up to, or at least to the extent I would like to. This was actually easier as a missionary when I was a stranger… just a kid with a name tag. But among friends and family I find it incredibly difficult to show the depths of my spirituality for I cannot bear to discredit that which is so precious to me. And so it is through this blog, I will allow myself to share my core with those who care to look.
In an attempt to feel more comfortable sharing a broader spectrum of my inner world, I posted a journal entry from my mission. It is post dated May 7, 1995 (currently the first post in this blog).
Note: I of course have only myself to blame for any hindrance to personal growth and development.
November 7, 2008
Chrysalis
I find that life in the south suits me very well, if life in Huntsville can be considered southern. Most the people here have moved in from other states due to all the technology companies and the army base; some call it the silicon valley of the south.
I went for a walk today and soaked in nature... I can't really find the words I'm looking for, but I know that I have a deep sense of appreciation for life, and not just for the mortal experience. As I get older, I find it much easier to cherish not only the moments but the entire experience of being.
It's strange that though I have not been exploring my inner world much, I feel it stirring a great deal. I feel as though I have much to express and yet I find myself holding back as though I'm waiting for something. It actually feels like some sort chrysalis experience.
I went for a walk today and soaked in nature... I can't really find the words I'm looking for, but I know that I have a deep sense of appreciation for life, and not just for the mortal experience. As I get older, I find it much easier to cherish not only the moments but the entire experience of being.
It's strange that though I have not been exploring my inner world much, I feel it stirring a great deal. I feel as though I have much to express and yet I find myself holding back as though I'm waiting for something. It actually feels like some sort chrysalis experience.
July 25, 2008
Fundamental Growth
For several months now I have had a desire to write and express my thoughts but knew not where to begin.
I seem to be gaining a deeper understanding and appreciation of fundamental truths. My frustration in trying to share these new insights with others is that I find myself saying the same things I’ve heard all my life i.e. nothing new.
I’m beginning to realizing that the most simple and basic of principles which can be covered in a single primary lesson, are in truth the greatest mysteries and require many years before gaining the smallest comprehension of how deep they truly go; at which point you again realize how simple they are. These are lessons that can be taught by man, but are only understood through the Spirit.
The topics of which I speak are love, family, acceptance or surrender to Gods will, and light. OK, maybe the last one isn’t a primary topic. (Smirk)
Conclusion: In my youth I sought after perfection, which proved to be a source of much frustration and inner turmoil. I’m now returning to basics in hopes of taking a few small steps in the right direction. If I can find happiness in the success of others, if I can find fulfillment in unrecognized service to a stranger, if I can both give and receive in a spirit of appreciation, and if I can apply this attribute of love in my life to the extent of being a source of some good upon the very small realm of my influence, I will consider my life a great success.
I seem to be gaining a deeper understanding and appreciation of fundamental truths. My frustration in trying to share these new insights with others is that I find myself saying the same things I’ve heard all my life i.e. nothing new.
I’m beginning to realizing that the most simple and basic of principles which can be covered in a single primary lesson, are in truth the greatest mysteries and require many years before gaining the smallest comprehension of how deep they truly go; at which point you again realize how simple they are. These are lessons that can be taught by man, but are only understood through the Spirit.
The topics of which I speak are love, family, acceptance or surrender to Gods will, and light. OK, maybe the last one isn’t a primary topic. (Smirk)
Conclusion: In my youth I sought after perfection, which proved to be a source of much frustration and inner turmoil. I’m now returning to basics in hopes of taking a few small steps in the right direction. If I can find happiness in the success of others, if I can find fulfillment in unrecognized service to a stranger, if I can both give and receive in a spirit of appreciation, and if I can apply this attribute of love in my life to the extent of being a source of some good upon the very small realm of my influence, I will consider my life a great success.
April 19, 2007
Inner Dialog
As I become more aware of the power and importance of one's inner dialog, I'm realizing that mine is very nurturing to my inner child.
Last night Ann called me Peter Pan, saying that my inner child rules me; I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but I like who I am and I enjoy entertaining my inner child just as I enjoy entertaining my son. I believe we need to care for ourselves before we can truly care for others.
Last night Ann called me Peter Pan, saying that my inner child rules me; I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but I like who I am and I enjoy entertaining my inner child just as I enjoy entertaining my son. I believe we need to care for ourselves before we can truly care for others.
March 31, 2007
A Dream: Metaphysical Expression of Personal Light
I just woke from another one of my surreal dreams. As this one relates to the topic of light, which I've recently been contemplating the spiritual implications of, I thought I'd share it.
"Metaphysical expression of personal light," this was the phrase in my mind upon waking. I wasn't entirely sure what metaphysical meant so I had to look it up.
Speaking with Ann in my dream, I was trying to show her how grabbing hold of something with the elongated orbs of light that extend from the arms, (which were attached to the rest of the orbs of light in the body) would not only stretch her light beyond her body but would stretch her body. This would greatly help heal her sore back muscles as stretching her light was somehow very health and healing for the body and for released tension.
In my dream it seemed as though I could simply grab her light and stretch it out from her physical frame. This seemed such a simple and obvious thing that it was often overlooked. I remember seeing a group of children playing together; they were playing follow the leader or ring around the roses or something like that. Anyway, I noticed how they were stretching and pulling on one others light and how natural it was for them. I knew that with focus and intent, this natural ability could return powerful results.
My waking mind says, perhaps this idea was flipped in my dream. Perhaps in stretching the physical body it opens the cells to release their light or improve the flow of light and health in the body. Or perhaps this process was simply representative of spiritual interactions between people. Whatever the case, the meaning and implementation of it is not so obvious to me now.
"Metaphysical expression of personal light," this was the phrase in my mind upon waking. I wasn't entirely sure what metaphysical meant so I had to look it up.
Speaking with Ann in my dream, I was trying to show her how grabbing hold of something with the elongated orbs of light that extend from the arms, (which were attached to the rest of the orbs of light in the body) would not only stretch her light beyond her body but would stretch her body. This would greatly help heal her sore back muscles as stretching her light was somehow very health and healing for the body and for released tension.
In my dream it seemed as though I could simply grab her light and stretch it out from her physical frame. This seemed such a simple and obvious thing that it was often overlooked. I remember seeing a group of children playing together; they were playing follow the leader or ring around the roses or something like that. Anyway, I noticed how they were stretching and pulling on one others light and how natural it was for them. I knew that with focus and intent, this natural ability could return powerful results.
My waking mind says, perhaps this idea was flipped in my dream. Perhaps in stretching the physical body it opens the cells to release their light or improve the flow of light and health in the body. Or perhaps this process was simply representative of spiritual interactions between people. Whatever the case, the meaning and implementation of it is not so obvious to me now.
March 27, 2007
Happy First Birthday Son!
I wrote this as a letter to my son, but decided to share parts of it that express how I feel as a father.
_________________________________________
My son, this is the first letter I’ve attempted to write you, and I must say your mother is brilliant for suggesting it. Her heart is always on your well being and happiness...
I continue to be amazed at how well you handle the turmoil of large social events and new situations which cause most children to feel anxious and over stimulated. You have such a presence of strength and inner calmness about you...
I know I’m a biased Dad, but both Ann and I have been struck with the strong impression that you are one of Heavenly Fathers choice children and that there are great works for you to accomplish in this life. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but when I told your mother that I have a deep respect for you, (which seemed odd as you were an infant who could do little more that eat, drink, and process) she immediately agreed and said she felt the same way. I may not remember you, but my spirit knows your spirit, and I’m honored to be your father in this life.
You are such a blessing in our lives Gavin. I’m a young Dad, a new Dad, but I’ll tell you now what my parents told me. You will not know, until the day you hold your own child in your arms, how much I love you. To be honest, I was taken back by it, as each day my capacity to love grew to new heights...
I’m not perfect and I’ll make mistakes, but know that I will always cherish you, I would die for you and I can think of no greater reward than to stand before my God and be able to tell him I was a good husband and father. This is my greatest hope and my desire.
There will be days (particularly in your teens), when you tell me you hate me and feel much anger toward me. Yes, this will break my heart, but only for a moment, for I know what it’s like to be a teenager and such moments will pass. O and while I’m on the topic, I should warn you that I will never tolerate disrespect towards your mother. I love her deeply and you are very blessed to have a mother who loves and cares for you so deeply...
Well, this doesn’t quite seem like a first birthday letter does it? You’ll get use to that with me. I don’t always say a lot, but there’s a lot going on beneath the surface of your old man. How I wish I could take a peak into the future and see you become the man you are meant to be.
Happy Birthday Son,
Love Dad
_________________________________________
My son, this is the first letter I’ve attempted to write you, and I must say your mother is brilliant for suggesting it. Her heart is always on your well being and happiness...
I continue to be amazed at how well you handle the turmoil of large social events and new situations which cause most children to feel anxious and over stimulated. You have such a presence of strength and inner calmness about you...
I know I’m a biased Dad, but both Ann and I have been struck with the strong impression that you are one of Heavenly Fathers choice children and that there are great works for you to accomplish in this life. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but when I told your mother that I have a deep respect for you, (which seemed odd as you were an infant who could do little more that eat, drink, and process) she immediately agreed and said she felt the same way. I may not remember you, but my spirit knows your spirit, and I’m honored to be your father in this life.
You are such a blessing in our lives Gavin. I’m a young Dad, a new Dad, but I’ll tell you now what my parents told me. You will not know, until the day you hold your own child in your arms, how much I love you. To be honest, I was taken back by it, as each day my capacity to love grew to new heights...
I’m not perfect and I’ll make mistakes, but know that I will always cherish you, I would die for you and I can think of no greater reward than to stand before my God and be able to tell him I was a good husband and father. This is my greatest hope and my desire.
There will be days (particularly in your teens), when you tell me you hate me and feel much anger toward me. Yes, this will break my heart, but only for a moment, for I know what it’s like to be a teenager and such moments will pass. O and while I’m on the topic, I should warn you that I will never tolerate disrespect towards your mother. I love her deeply and you are very blessed to have a mother who loves and cares for you so deeply...
Well, this doesn’t quite seem like a first birthday letter does it? You’ll get use to that with me. I don’t always say a lot, but there’s a lot going on beneath the surface of your old man. How I wish I could take a peak into the future and see you become the man you are meant to be.
Happy Birthday Son,
Love Dad
February 19, 2007
Spiritual Self Image
For several months, something has been taking shape in my mind. I believe we're all born with a "spiritual self image" which can guide us to personal greatness or haunt us with what could be. We are either moving closer toward this or further from it.
In my youth I often pursued this self-image which is stamped upon my soul, but for the past several years, my focus has been primarily on worldly progression and accomplishment while on the spiritual plane I've coasted.
Time now seems to be accelerating and I cannot help but feel as though my days of procrastination are quickly coming to an end. It's as though a crossroad is upon me in which certain changes must be realized in my life. I also have a sense that there is knowledge, understanding and wisdom which needs to be obtained in order to receive essential guidance for my progression. I don't know why I feel a sudden urgency to reach this new plane, but reach it I must.
I'm not sure how much I’m willing to share at this time. There are realizations and strong impressions which have come upon me, but until I better understand them myself, I'd rather keep them internal.
In my youth I often pursued this self-image which is stamped upon my soul, but for the past several years, my focus has been primarily on worldly progression and accomplishment while on the spiritual plane I've coasted.
Time now seems to be accelerating and I cannot help but feel as though my days of procrastination are quickly coming to an end. It's as though a crossroad is upon me in which certain changes must be realized in my life. I also have a sense that there is knowledge, understanding and wisdom which needs to be obtained in order to receive essential guidance for my progression. I don't know why I feel a sudden urgency to reach this new plane, but reach it I must.
I'm not sure how much I’m willing to share at this time. There are realizations and strong impressions which have come upon me, but until I better understand them myself, I'd rather keep them internal.
December 5, 2006
A Simple Life
As I pick up my son to give him a hug before leaving for work this morning, he wrapped his little arms around my neck, rested his head on my shoulder, and patted my back. My simple life exceeds that of a king, for my heart is truly full.
June 19, 2006
A New Day
Life is ever changing as we all know. Yesterday was my first Fathers Day and it was great to be with the family, play horseshoes and just hang out and enjoy that which is family.
This morning while playing with my son before going to work, I couldnt help but look into his beautiful eyes as he smile up at me and feel as though today was the first day of the rest of my life. This new life will be shaped by a selfless love, for I can no long make choice in my life without thinking of how it will affect him. Each time I pick him up and hold him to my chest my capacity to love is stretched. I do not know what life will bring nor do I fear it, but I do know that today is a new day... may I use it well.
This morning while playing with my son before going to work, I couldnt help but look into his beautiful eyes as he smile up at me and feel as though today was the first day of the rest of my life. This new life will be shaped by a selfless love, for I can no long make choice in my life without thinking of how it will affect him. Each time I pick him up and hold him to my chest my capacity to love is stretched. I do not know what life will bring nor do I fear it, but I do know that today is a new day... may I use it well.
June 12, 2006
Fires of Friendship
The most effective method of extinguishing a campfire is to first knock it down and separate the burning logs before dumping water on them. Once separated from one another, if a log continues to hold a flame, it will slowly burn itself out. However, if these logs are again united in a cluster, they can rekindle one another, and conditions are optimal for small flames to grow once more. It is now possible for a brilliant fire to warm your soul as no single log can.
Fires may require your attention to maintain, but I'd rather sit around a campfire than a smoldering smoky log any day.
Fires may require your attention to maintain, but I'd rather sit around a campfire than a smoldering smoky log any day.
February 8, 2006
Nature Bequeaths Stillness
I long to live a simple life, where I can relax into the peaceful flow of nature. I would plant trees, tend the land, build a patio, hang a humming bird feeder, and generally create an environment where I may sit with friends and release life's troubles.
I remember long hours at my Grandfathers ranch where I would ride horses through the hills, go on long walks through the fields, or just sit on the hillside and soak in the atmosphere. How I miss my grandparents and the carefree days of youth.
Just before the ranch was sold, I remember taking a raft my cousin, brother and I had built, out onto the pond. For several hours I floated out there; so clearly do I remember lying on the old wooden planks and feeling the warmth of the sun on my back. Looking down into the depths of the water, I watched with fascination as the streams of light danced into darkness.
Enticed by the cool water, I crawl forward and slide headlong into its depths. As I don't float, I slowly sink into the dark embrace, suspended in weightless silence. Relaxing my body I feel a calm peace as time slows and passes unnoticed. There is nothing to do here, nothing to think; and I understand why submersion is symbolic of death.
Eventually my lunges insist upon my ascension. Kicking upward I feel the cool flow of water over my body as light finds me once more. Taking air into my lungs my body must now work to keep me afloat; but I do not wish to return to the raft which will carry me back to shore, back to a reality where I must leave this place behind.
I hope to have such an environment for my children, family, friends, and loved ones. I can not imagine life with out it.
I remember long hours at my Grandfathers ranch where I would ride horses through the hills, go on long walks through the fields, or just sit on the hillside and soak in the atmosphere. How I miss my grandparents and the carefree days of youth.
Just before the ranch was sold, I remember taking a raft my cousin, brother and I had built, out onto the pond. For several hours I floated out there; so clearly do I remember lying on the old wooden planks and feeling the warmth of the sun on my back. Looking down into the depths of the water, I watched with fascination as the streams of light danced into darkness.
Enticed by the cool water, I crawl forward and slide headlong into its depths. As I don't float, I slowly sink into the dark embrace, suspended in weightless silence. Relaxing my body I feel a calm peace as time slows and passes unnoticed. There is nothing to do here, nothing to think; and I understand why submersion is symbolic of death.
Eventually my lunges insist upon my ascension. Kicking upward I feel the cool flow of water over my body as light finds me once more. Taking air into my lungs my body must now work to keep me afloat; but I do not wish to return to the raft which will carry me back to shore, back to a reality where I must leave this place behind.
I hope to have such an environment for my children, family, friends, and loved ones. I can not imagine life with out it.
January 1, 2006
Bio of Ben
I was raised in Heber City, Utah; a small town with more then its share of rednecks. I have an older brother, a twin brother, and two younger sisters.
My family network is large, close, and loud; it has made for some fun get togethers. I spent the majority of our youth playing around on my Grandfathers ranch with my brothers and cousins; building forts in the hay-barn, fishing, horseback riding, 4 wheeling, and all the other mischievious stuff kids can do on a farm. I have enough good memories to last a lifetime and would not change my childhood for anything.
My school experience is another story. I attended Wasatch High School, class of 1992. I confess I was a bit of a punk, got into a few fights, and basically spent my school years screwing around and doing my best not to learn anything. I do wish I would have been nicer to more people and made more friends instead of being such a punk.
Despite my bad attitude and all the concerns my peers may have had for me, I maintained strong personal beliefs. I remember having this obsession with self-mastery, which only left me feeling frustrated as I had a very long way to go. I'm sure no one would have guessed I was spiritual, but when I prayed I simply new there was a God who new and loved me. I can only imagine who I would have become without this anchor of faith in my life.
I dated a few girls, I made out with a few girls, and I loved to flirt, but for the most part I kept my pants on. I eventually ended up with this tall skinny brunette named Ann; damn this girl was sexy; I loved everything about her. For the first time in my life I had someone in whom I could share everything. She was a wild girl who new how to make me open up and share my deep dark secrets. Turns out they didn't seem so dark after letting them out.
Eventually I came of age and went forth to serve an LDS mission; not because it was the thing to do, but because I had developed a personal testimony of the gospel. In fact I think it's safe to say it wasn't expected of me. My Bishop even said I was the last guy he expected to serve a mission. So off I went to serve two years in the Arkansas Little Rock Mission.
During this time I did a lot of growing up, but more important I learned to love others and respect their beliefs. I may not have been the ideal missionary, but I was sincere in my efforts. In the last area I served in before coming home, I met Kristy, a petite brunette from Tennessee; we had a definate physical connection/attraction.
Back in Utah a few months after returning home, Kristy and I went on a few dates. I soon realized she was not the one for me and that Ann was as hot and tempting as ever. Our connection was still very strong and after a year of dating we were married in the Mt. Timpanogas Temple.
I worked as a plumber, framer, carpenter, roofer, rock mason, painter, table busser, and cabinetmaker. Then in the fall of 1998, with Anns support, I became a full time student at Utah Valley State College. In the year 2000, I finished my A.S. Degree in Multimedia Communications Technology
After working again for a short time in a cabinet shop, I took a part time job with UVSC developing multimedia for their online aviation program and I knew I had found my passion in the development of multimedia.
I soon went back to school to get my B.S. Degree in Multimedia. I did this part time while working, and finished the program in the spring of 2005. If nothing else, my college experience taught me that I really could do well in school. I finished with a GPA of 3.6
Five years later I'm still with the school, I've started my own e-learning company on the side with a few partners, I've started teaching interaction design at ITT Technical Institute. Me a teacher? Damn thats scary!
My marriage, though it started off rocky as we got used to living with each other and worked out the kinks, has become very strong and close. In 2003 We sold our home in Springville and bought a fourplex in Provo, which we now live in and manage.
Well thats my life summary. It doesn't do too much to explain who I am as I have many fears, ambitions, heartaches, joys, strengths and weaknesses which I simply don't feel like getting into right now. But its a start.
I'm not sure what is to come, but it has been too long since I've taken the time to explore my soul through writing.
My family network is large, close, and loud; it has made for some fun get togethers. I spent the majority of our youth playing around on my Grandfathers ranch with my brothers and cousins; building forts in the hay-barn, fishing, horseback riding, 4 wheeling, and all the other mischievious stuff kids can do on a farm. I have enough good memories to last a lifetime and would not change my childhood for anything.
My school experience is another story. I attended Wasatch High School, class of 1992. I confess I was a bit of a punk, got into a few fights, and basically spent my school years screwing around and doing my best not to learn anything. I do wish I would have been nicer to more people and made more friends instead of being such a punk.
Despite my bad attitude and all the concerns my peers may have had for me, I maintained strong personal beliefs. I remember having this obsession with self-mastery, which only left me feeling frustrated as I had a very long way to go. I'm sure no one would have guessed I was spiritual, but when I prayed I simply new there was a God who new and loved me. I can only imagine who I would have become without this anchor of faith in my life.
I dated a few girls, I made out with a few girls, and I loved to flirt, but for the most part I kept my pants on. I eventually ended up with this tall skinny brunette named Ann; damn this girl was sexy; I loved everything about her. For the first time in my life I had someone in whom I could share everything. She was a wild girl who new how to make me open up and share my deep dark secrets. Turns out they didn't seem so dark after letting them out.
Eventually I came of age and went forth to serve an LDS mission; not because it was the thing to do, but because I had developed a personal testimony of the gospel. In fact I think it's safe to say it wasn't expected of me. My Bishop even said I was the last guy he expected to serve a mission. So off I went to serve two years in the Arkansas Little Rock Mission.
During this time I did a lot of growing up, but more important I learned to love others and respect their beliefs. I may not have been the ideal missionary, but I was sincere in my efforts. In the last area I served in before coming home, I met Kristy, a petite brunette from Tennessee; we had a definate physical connection/attraction.
Back in Utah a few months after returning home, Kristy and I went on a few dates. I soon realized she was not the one for me and that Ann was as hot and tempting as ever. Our connection was still very strong and after a year of dating we were married in the Mt. Timpanogas Temple.
I worked as a plumber, framer, carpenter, roofer, rock mason, painter, table busser, and cabinetmaker. Then in the fall of 1998, with Anns support, I became a full time student at Utah Valley State College. In the year 2000, I finished my A.S. Degree in Multimedia Communications Technology
After working again for a short time in a cabinet shop, I took a part time job with UVSC developing multimedia for their online aviation program and I knew I had found my passion in the development of multimedia.
I soon went back to school to get my B.S. Degree in Multimedia. I did this part time while working, and finished the program in the spring of 2005. If nothing else, my college experience taught me that I really could do well in school. I finished with a GPA of 3.6
Five years later I'm still with the school, I've started my own e-learning company on the side with a few partners, I've started teaching interaction design at ITT Technical Institute. Me a teacher? Damn thats scary!
My marriage, though it started off rocky as we got used to living with each other and worked out the kinks, has become very strong and close. In 2003 We sold our home in Springville and bought a fourplex in Provo, which we now live in and manage.
Well thats my life summary. It doesn't do too much to explain who I am as I have many fears, ambitions, heartaches, joys, strengths and weaknesses which I simply don't feel like getting into right now. But its a start.
I'm not sure what is to come, but it has been too long since I've taken the time to explore my soul through writing.
May 7, 1995
Hazel (Missionary Journal)
This is an excerpt from my missionary journal. It's very personal and I'm hesitant to post it. But if this experience inspires anyone to be more compassionate towards someone in need, than it is good to post it. This is also an attempt on my part to be more open about my spirituality.
_____________________________________
Hazel is a member of the church who was never been very active. An old woman, she is now in a nursing home. Hazel is a victim of Parkinson's disease, which causes the body and muscles to stiffen up so you can't move. So here she lies, all day and all night, hour after hour, day after day. She is still very much sane and alert as to her surroundings, which makes her situation all the more difficult and boring.
We stop in to visit her as often as we can and say a prayer with her. Some times she cries and asks why the Lord would have her continue living this way. Once or twice she has pleaded with us not to leave her, so we stay a little longer and talk a little more before finally leaving. Walking out the door I turn to wave goodbye and again see that look in her eyes that calls out, "I need." How I wish I could do more.
As we stopped in today for a visit, she was awake and alert as ever. I couldn't help but wondered what thoughts must be going through her head as she lay there in the silence or listening to the ramblings and moans of the other patients. She shared her room with another woman for about a week. This woman was sane and clear of thought when she arrived but quickly deteriorated. She usually mumbled nonsense but on occasion she'd scream things like, "Help! Help me! They're trying to kill me! They're chasing me through the woods!" I don't know what this other woman suffered from, but she died shortly there after, leaving Hazel alone once more.
We didn't have much time to spend with Hazel today, as we were on our way to another appointment. We made a little small talk, which is always a bit difficult as I can barely understand her and Elder P**** can't understand her at all. I was rubbing her shoulder lightly, which was hurting her, and then she asked me to hold her hand. She then looked into my eyes and said, while crying, "I love you." I admit, I did feel a little uneasy at this show of emotion, for it has always been hard for me to express in words the love I have for others. But I opened my mouth and out it came, "I love you too." Then she said something that troubled me, "I'm afraid" she exclaimed in a weak and shaky voice. How my heart goes out to her. I felt so inadequate and yet I gave what encouragement I could before we had to leave. Her needs are great and our time is short.
My mind was kept busy throughout the day with the work and discussions we taught, but after returning home my thoughts went back to Hazel. I then remembered one of the great teaching of Jesus Christ, "When ye do it unto the least of these, ye do it unto me," and as I remembered Hazel's words, the spirit did witness to my soul that Jesus does indeed love me, and I wept.
Now to the casual reader this may seem unimportant, but this experience is a pearl unto me and has helped me develop my love for others. It is truly a blessing to be in the service of the Lord. A mission is truly a labor of love.
_____________________________________
Hazel is a member of the church who was never been very active. An old woman, she is now in a nursing home. Hazel is a victim of Parkinson's disease, which causes the body and muscles to stiffen up so you can't move. So here she lies, all day and all night, hour after hour, day after day. She is still very much sane and alert as to her surroundings, which makes her situation all the more difficult and boring.
We stop in to visit her as often as we can and say a prayer with her. Some times she cries and asks why the Lord would have her continue living this way. Once or twice she has pleaded with us not to leave her, so we stay a little longer and talk a little more before finally leaving. Walking out the door I turn to wave goodbye and again see that look in her eyes that calls out, "I need." How I wish I could do more.
As we stopped in today for a visit, she was awake and alert as ever. I couldn't help but wondered what thoughts must be going through her head as she lay there in the silence or listening to the ramblings and moans of the other patients. She shared her room with another woman for about a week. This woman was sane and clear of thought when she arrived but quickly deteriorated. She usually mumbled nonsense but on occasion she'd scream things like, "Help! Help me! They're trying to kill me! They're chasing me through the woods!" I don't know what this other woman suffered from, but she died shortly there after, leaving Hazel alone once more.
We didn't have much time to spend with Hazel today, as we were on our way to another appointment. We made a little small talk, which is always a bit difficult as I can barely understand her and Elder P**** can't understand her at all. I was rubbing her shoulder lightly, which was hurting her, and then she asked me to hold her hand. She then looked into my eyes and said, while crying, "I love you." I admit, I did feel a little uneasy at this show of emotion, for it has always been hard for me to express in words the love I have for others. But I opened my mouth and out it came, "I love you too." Then she said something that troubled me, "I'm afraid" she exclaimed in a weak and shaky voice. How my heart goes out to her. I felt so inadequate and yet I gave what encouragement I could before we had to leave. Her needs are great and our time is short.
My mind was kept busy throughout the day with the work and discussions we taught, but after returning home my thoughts went back to Hazel. I then remembered one of the great teaching of Jesus Christ, "When ye do it unto the least of these, ye do it unto me," and as I remembered Hazel's words, the spirit did witness to my soul that Jesus does indeed love me, and I wept.
Now to the casual reader this may seem unimportant, but this experience is a pearl unto me and has helped me develop my love for others. It is truly a blessing to be in the service of the Lord. A mission is truly a labor of love.
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