Find Joy Now

Too many people live a somber life, expecting to receive joy in the life to come. I can't help but wonder how they can receive something they haven't learned to pursue. I hope and expect to experience joy here and now. I think the trick is knowing the difference between what brings true happiness and those things which are cheap imitations.

The Social Conundrum

I’ve been learning about authentic communication / relationships. In doing so, I’ve noticed increased feelings of loneliness. A while back I discovered that I have a deeper love for others than previously thought, but I’ve found that being authentic with people is not what they expect and is often misinterpreted. So I struggle with knowing how to express love and appreciation or even give a genuine complement. Is this due to a lack practice, or do social norms not allow for it? I guess there’s a reason that people keep their private thoughts private. Once again I find myself not with answers, but with questions.

Does Love Make Us Feel Lonely?

Loneliness is something I’ve been pondering for some time now. I believe we all know each other and share connection on levels we do not understand. As a result, we feel something and yet we do not acknowledge it; perhaps this is why we can feel most alone when surround by others. In short, I believe it is in our nature to feel love for one another. And thus the love we may feel for a stranger, if not expressed, could in turn feel like rejection and loneliness (the unspoken hurt). In the same way, I believe we know and feel God… more than that, I believe we miss him.

I can tell you that I myself, feel the least lonely, when I am serving others. Service can give my love expression. It connects me to others and offers great satisfaction. And in loving and serving others, I am doing that which God does, which in turn ties me back to him. In this one thing at least, I feel that I have one solid piece of the puzzle. Perhaps one of the corners; helping to establish a frame for all the other pieces.

Living With Weakness

I believe we are born into this life with the light of Christ. And this light instills within us both a desire for righteousness and a feeling of how things could be. We desperately want to be loved. We innately believe that we should care for one another, that children should be nurtured, truth should be spoken, and integrity should be upheld. But here’s the rub; we also come with weakness, flaws, and struggles… making it impossible to sustain what the spirit craves.

Looking at my own life, I see beautiful moments of love, peace, and joy; allowing me to taste what could be, before weakness inevitable slaps me back down… leaving me to struggle with hurt and discouragement… wondering if the light of Christ gives me hope, or taunts me.

I know I can’t change the world; I can scarcely bring about change in myself. But what I really struggle with, is knowing that I can’t even spare my children. Sometimes I think depression is the result of someone’s heart being too compassionate to block out the hurt they see in others.

So how does one live with weakness? One day at a time.

Emoji vs Face

So I’m driving in the car listening to my wife tell me how a particular event went down badly. Then I say, “I wish there were some way I could project a sad emoji into physical space for you right now… O wait a minute, there is… my face!”

I find it interesting that my initial response to a social interaction was tied to a digital method.

Sexuality & Spirituality

I believe our desires, even our sexual desire is good and right; it’s how we choose to act upon our desire that makes it a blessing or a curse. Satin has taken something beautiful and used it as an instrument of shame. So successful has he been at this that religious people in all different faiths have lost the ability to reconcile sexuality and spirituality. The same could probably be said about food to a lesser degree.

In short, I have come to believe that the passions, desires, and appetites of the flesh are all part of “The Plan of Happiness.” That receiving tabernacles of flesh (with its desires) and a knowledge of good and evil, provides us the opportunity to experience joy, as we allow the spirit to govern its use. 

It seems all too easy to step to the left or the right and become fixed in our position or point of view, where balance requires a constant effort and adjustment.

A Foggy Morning Walk

It is rare for the fog to linger so heavy, and I cannot resist a morning walk. The mist is thick, like a fine rain, and everything is shrouded in grey. I know the buildings I cannot see are filled with people working, but it’s unusually quiet and still as I walk the path around the lake.

The random sounds of birds and the occasional splashing of ducks seem to hang in the air as they pull my mind away from temporal concerns. I enjoy these moments and feel gratitude that the spirit and mind are not bound by the mundane.

Despite pressures, requirements, and expectations, I yet feel a sense of wonder and awe. I hope to never lose this or the desire to seek after that which stirs the soul in such a way as to bring forth passion, balanced with a quiet reverence.

Educating The Heart

I believe we can educate our hearts to desire good things, for as I study the scriptures the pure and precious truths of the gospel gradually extend from my brain to my heart, causing my whole soul to delight in the things of God; for it is only in the heart that we can truly understand spiritual things.



Being subject to weakness I know how it feels to live contrary to the nature of happiness and to taste the emptiness that comes of spiritual separation from my Father in Heaven. But I have also experienced the exquisite joy that comes from His spirit, illuminating my soul with a purifying light and causing me to hunger and thirst for righteousness. Suddenly life has purpose and I am filled with compassion for others and blessed with a hope that frees me from fear and discouragement. I begin to understand what it means to become a new creature in Christ as my very desires are changed.

Gratefully, I am a child of God. I love my Heavenly Father.

Realization of Change & Interdependence

This has been a night of realization and inspiration. Among other things, I realized that up until recently, I had been stuck in the mode of being independent. Now this is not such a bad place to be, it’s certainly better than being dependent.

I’ve made many changes over the past year or so, one of which was a willingness to shift from being independent to being interdependent or choosing to rely on others and not just myself (Keep in mind that choice is the key difference between interdependence and dependence). In considering why it took me so long to make this shift, I realized that part of me didn't want to let go of being independent because part of me never let go of some of the thinks I enjoyed about being single.

I’ve come to believe that all change (“good” change, “bad” change, “all” change) brings with it both gain and loss. And though I embraced what I had to gain in marrying the woman I love, I did not truly acknowledge what was lost in this change. This independent mind contributed to a sense of “you and me” rather than “us.” This may have been a small shift, but these small adjustments are adding up and resulting in a better life.

The lesson: To embrace change as a process of growth and acknowledge both what you gain and what you loose with each change.

See Others as God Does

I had the blessing one night of see my dear wife as God sees her… or at least to the extent that I am able. This moment of clarity gave me great insight as to just how precious we all are. Such a gift it would be to regularly see others and yourself, as God does.

Hidden Spirituality

I realized tonight, while reading some of my non-posted writings, what it is that’s been holding me back from expressing myself as freely as I would like. It’s actually something that has surfaced time and time again in my life, often causing me to do things I regret.

Many experiences in my life, most of which were the result of simple but honest prayer, have instilled within me a very personal testimony of the Gospel, and more specifically a deep love for my Father in Heaven. And the thing which so often causes me to stop short or causes me to undermine my efforts, is a fear of being in a position or role where I represent something I am incapable of living up to, or at least to the extent I would like to. This was actually easier as a missionary when I was a stranger… just a kid with a name tag. But among friends and family I find it incredibly difficult to show the depths of my spirituality for I cannot bear to discredit that which is so precious to me. And so it is through this blog, I will allow myself to share my core with those who care to look.

In an attempt to feel more comfortable sharing a broader spectrum of my inner world, I posted a journal entry from my mission. It is post dated May 7, 1995 (currently the first post in this blog).

Note: I of course have only myself to blame for any hindrance to personal growth and development.

Chrysalis

I find that life in the south suits me very well, if life in Huntsville can be considered southern. Most the people here have moved in from other states due to all the technology companies and the army base; some call it the silicon valley of the south.

I went for a walk today and soaked in nature... I can't really find the words I'm looking for, but I know that I have a deep sense of appreciation for life, and not just for the mortal experience. As I get older, I find it much easier to cherish not only the moments but the entire experience of being.

It's strange that though I have not been exploring my inner world much, I feel it stirring a great deal. I feel as though I have much to express and yet I find myself holding back as though I'm waiting for something. It actually feels like some sort chrysalis experience.

Fundamental Growth

For several months now I have had a desire to write and express my thoughts but knew not where to begin.

I seem to be gaining a deeper understanding and appreciation of fundamental truths. My frustration in trying to share these new insights with others is that I find myself saying the same things I’ve heard all my life i.e. nothing new.

I’m beginning to realizing that the most simple and basic of principles which can be covered in a single primary lesson, are in truth the greatest mysteries and require many years before gaining the smallest comprehension of how deep they truly go; at which point you again realize how simple they are. These are lessons that can be taught by man, but are only understood through the Spirit.

The topics of which I speak are love, family, acceptance or surrender to Gods will, and light. OK, maybe the last one isn’t a primary topic. (Smirk)

Conclusion: In my youth I sought after perfection, which proved to be a source of much frustration and inner turmoil. I’m now returning to basics in hopes of taking a few small steps in the right direction. If I can find happiness in the success of others, if I can find fulfillment in unrecognized service to a stranger, if I can both give and receive in a spirit of appreciation, and if I can apply this attribute of love in my life to the extent of being a source of some good upon the very small realm of my influence, I will consider my life a great success.

Inner Dialog

As I become more aware of the power and importance of one's inner dialog, I'm realizing that mine is very nurturing to my inner child.

Last night Ann called me Peter Pan, saying that my inner child rules me; I'm not sure if this is good or bad, but I like who I am and I enjoy entertaining my inner child just as I enjoy entertaining my son. I believe we need to care for ourselves before we can truly care for others.

A Dream: Metaphysical Expression of Personal Light

I just woke from another one of my surreal dreams. As this one relates to the topic of light, which I've recently been contemplating the spiritual implications of, I thought I'd share it.

"Metaphysical expression of personal light," this was the phrase in my mind upon waking. I wasn't entirely sure what metaphysical meant so I had to look it up.

Speaking with Ann in my dream, I was trying to show her how grabbing hold of something with the elongated orbs of light that extend from the arms, (which were attached to the rest of the orbs of light in the body) would not only stretch her light beyond her body but would stretch her body. This would greatly help heal her sore back muscles as stretching her light was somehow very health and healing for the body and for released tension.

In my dream it seemed as though I could simply grab her light and stretch it out from her physical frame. This seemed such a simple and obvious thing that it was often overlooked. I remember seeing a group of children playing together; they were playing follow the leader or ring around the roses or something like that. Anyway, I noticed how they were stretching and pulling on one others light and how natural it was for them. I knew that with focus and intent, this natural ability could return powerful results.

My waking mind says, perhaps this idea was flipped in my dream. Perhaps in stretching the physical body it opens the cells to release their light or improve the flow of light and health in the body. Or perhaps this process was simply representative of spiritual interactions between people. Whatever the case, the meaning and implementation of it is not so obvious to me now.

Happy First Birthday Son!

I wrote this as a letter to my son, but decided to share parts of it that express how I feel as a father.
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My son, this is the first letter I’ve attempted to write you, and I must say your mother is brilliant for suggesting it. Her heart is always on your well being and happiness...

I continue to be amazed at how well you handle the turmoil of large social events and new situations which cause most children to feel anxious and over stimulated. You have such a presence of strength and inner calmness about you...

I know I'm biased, but both Ann and I have been struck with the strong impression that you are one of Heavenly Fathers choice children and that there are great works for you to accomplish in this life. I couldn’t put my finger on it at first, but when I told your mother that I have a deep respect for you, (which seemed odd as you were an infant who could do little more that eat, drink, and process) she immediately agreed and said she felt the same way. I may not remember you, but my spirit knows your spirit, and I’m honored to be your father in this life.

You are such a blessing in our lives son. I’m a young Dad, a new Dad, but I’ll tell you now what my parents told me. You will not know, until the day you hold your own child in your arms, how much I love you. To be honest, I was taken back by it, as each day my capacity to love grew to new heights...

I’m not perfect and I’ll make mistakes, but know that I will always cherish you, I would die for you and I can think of no greater reward than to stand before my God and be able to tell him I was a good husband and father. This is my greatest hope and my desire.

There will be days (particularly in your teens), when you tell me you hate me and feel much anger toward me. Yes, this will break my heart, but only for a moment, for I know what it’s like to be a teenager and such moments will pass. O and while I’m on the topic, I should warn you that I will never tolerate disrespect towards your mother. I love her deeply and you are very blessed to have a mother who loves and cares for you so deeply...

Well, this doesn’t quite seem like a first birthday letter does it? You’ll get use to that with me. I don’t always say a lot, but there’s a lot going on beneath the surface of your old man. How I wish I could take a peak into the future and see you become the man you are meant to be.

Happy Birthday Son,
Love Dad

Spiritual Self Image

For several months, something has been taking shape in my mind. I believe we're all born with a "spiritual self image" which can guide us to personal greatness or haunt us with what could be. We are either moving closer toward this or further from it.

In my youth I often pursued this self-image which is stamped upon my soul, but for the past several years, my focus has been primarily on worldly progression and accomplishment while on the spiritual plane I've coasted.

Time now seems to be accelerating and I cannot help but feel as though my days of procrastination are quickly coming to an end. It's as though a crossroad is upon me in which certain changes must be realized in my life. I also have a sense that there is knowledge, understanding and wisdom which needs to be obtained in order to receive essential guidance for my progression. I don't know why I feel a sudden urgency to reach this new plane, but reach it I must.

I'm not sure how much I’m willing to share at this time. There are realizations and strong impressions which have come upon me, but until I better understand them myself, I'd rather keep them internal.

A Simple Life

As I pick up my son to give him a hug before leaving for work this morning, he wrapped his little arms around my neck, rested his head on my shoulder, and patted my back. My simple life exceeds that of a king, for my heart is truly full.

A New Day

Life is ever changing as we all know. Yesterday was my first Fathers Day and it was great to be with the family, play horseshoes and just hang out and enjoy that which is family.

This morning while playing with my son before going to work, I couldnt help but look into his beautiful eyes as he smile up at me and feel as though today was the first day of the rest of my life. This new life will be shaped by a selfless love, for I can no long make choice in my life without thinking of how it will affect him. Each time I pick him up and hold him to my chest my capacity to love is stretched. I do not know what life will bring nor do I fear it, but I do know that today is a new day... may I use it well.

Fires of Friendship

The most effective method of extinguishing a campfire is to first knock it down and separate the burning logs before dumping water on them. Once separated from one another, if a log continues to hold a flame, it will slowly burn itself out. However, if these logs are again united in a cluster, they can rekindle one another, and conditions are optimal for small flames to grow once more. It is now possible for a brilliant fire to warm your soul as no single log can.

Fires may require your attention to maintain, but I'd rather sit around a campfire than a smoldering smoky log any day.

Nature Bequeaths Stillness

I long to live a simple life, where I can relax into the peaceful flow of nature. I would plant trees, tend the land, build a patio, hang a humming bird feeder, and generally create an environment where I may sit with friends and release life's troubles.

I remember long hours at my Grandfathers ranch where I would ride horses through the hills, go on long walks through the fields, or just sit on the hillside and soak in the atmosphere. How I miss my grandparents and the carefree days of youth.

Just before the ranch was sold, I remember taking a raft my cousin, brother and I had built, out onto the pond. For several hours I floated out there; so clearly do I remember lying on the old wooden planks and feeling the warmth of the sun on my back. Looking down into the depths of the water, I watched with fascination as the streams of light danced into darkness.

Enticed by the cool water, I crawl forward and slide headlong into its depths. As I don't float, I slowly sink into the dark embrace, suspended in weightless silence. Relaxing my body I feel a calm peace as time slows and passes unnoticed. There is nothing to do here, nothing to think; and I understand why submersion is symbolic of death.

Eventually my lunges insist upon my ascension. Kicking upward I feel the cool flow of water over my body as light finds me once more. Taking air into my lungs my body must now work to keep me afloat; but I do not wish to return to the raft which will carry me back to shore, back to a reality where I must leave this place behind.

I hope to have such an environment for my children, family, friends, and loved ones. I can not imagine life with out it.

Bio of Ben

I was raised in a small town nestled in the Rocky Mountains.

My family network is large, close, and loud; making for some interesting events. I spent the majority of our youth playing around on my Grandfathers ranch with my brothers and cousins; building forts in the hay-barn, fishing, horseback riding, 4 wheeling, and all the other mischievous kids can get into. I have many great memories.

I didn’t do so well in school. I was a punk, got into fights, and basically spent my school years screwing around and doing my best not to learn anything. I now regret not being nicer and making more friends. I guess I had anger issues.

Despite my bad attitude and all the concerns my peers may have had for me, I maintained strong personal beliefs. I remember having this obsession with self-mastery, which only left me feeling frustrated. I'm sure no one would have guessed I was spiritual, but when I prayed I simply knew there was a God who loved me. I can only imagine how differently things would have turned out for me if not for this anchor of faith.

My dating life was moderate… nothing too wild to report; I mostly liked to flirt. I eventually ended up with this tall sexy brunette. I loved everything about her. She was a wild girl who knew how to make me open up and share my deep dark secrets. Turns out they weren’t as deep or as dark as I thought.

Eventually I came of age and went forth to serve a church mission; not because it was expected of me, but because I had developed a personal testimony of the gospel. In fact my Bishop even said I was the last guy he expected to serve a mission. So off I went to serve for two long years.

During this time I did a lot of growing up, but more important I learned to love others and respect their beliefs. I may not have been the ideal missionary, but I was sincere in my efforts. In the last area I served, before coming home, I met a girl I shared an attraction with. I was not allowed to date, but we did kiss a time or two.

A few months after returning home from my mission, this girl showed up to “go to college.” We went on a few dates, but I soon realized she was not the one for me. It was the sexy brunette from before my mission who still had my heart. Our connection was still very strong and after a year of dating we got married.

I worked as a plumber, framer, carpenter, roofer, rock mason, painter, table busser, cashier, and cabinetmaker. Finally, with the encouragement of my wife, I went to college, earning a degree in Multimedia. If nothing else, my college experience taught me that I really could do well in school. I finished with a GPA of 3.6

From 2000 to 2005 I worked for an online aviation program for the college. I created graphics, designed the website, and created instructional animations. I spent some time teaching instructional design at ITT Tech. Worked at a software company recording podcasts and building tutorials. I helped establish a start-up company creating online aviation courses for high schools and published some online courses for the FAA. But I eventually moved out of state and put my skills to work in very different arena. 

As for my marriage, it started off rocky as we got used to living with each. This was made all the more difficult as we dealt with fertility treatments trying to have a baby. We eventually adopting a perfect baby boy, sold our rental property and moved out of state, where I put my skills to work in very different arena (from the education field, to commercial, to government contract work). Though marriage is never perfect and far from easy, it has gotten better. 

We also adopted through the foster care program. My wife and children are my life. They have truly taught me how to love.

I'm hesitant to even include this in the blog, but I guess it helps put some things into context.

Hazel (Missionary Journal)

This is an excerpt from my missionary journal. It's very personal and I'm hesitant to post it. But if this experience inspires anyone to be more compassionate towards someone in need, than it is good to post it. This is also an attempt on my part to be more open about my spirituality.
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Hazel is a member of the church who was never been very active. An old woman, she is now in a nursing home. Hazel is a victim of Parkinson's disease, which causes the body and muscles to stiffen up so you can't move. So here she lies, all day and all night, hour after hour, day after day. She is still very much sane and alert as to her surroundings, which makes her situation all the more difficult and boring.

We stop in to visit her as often as we can and say a prayer with her. Sometimes she cries and asks why the Lord would have her continue living this way. Once or twice she has pleaded with us not to leave her, so we stay a little longer and talk a little more before finally leaving. Walking out the door I turn to wave goodbye and again see that look in her eyes that calls out, "I need." How I wish I could do more.

As we stopped in today for a visit, she was awake and alert as ever. I couldn't help but wondered what thoughts must be going through her head as she lay there in the silence or listening to the ramblings and moans of the other patients. She shared her room with another woman for about a week. This woman was sane and clear of thought when she arrived but quickly deteriorated. She usually mumbled nonsense but on occasion she'd scream things like, "Help! Help me! They're trying to kill me! They're chasing me through the woods!" I don't know what this other woman suffered from, but she died shortly thereafter, leaving Hazel alone once more.

We didn't have much time to spend with Hazel today, as we were on our way to another appointment. We made a little small talk, which is always a bit difficult as I can barely understand her and Elder P**** can't understand her at all. I was rubbing her shoulder lightly, which was hurting her, and then she asked me to hold her hand. She then looked into my eyes and said, while crying, "I love you." I admit, I did feel a little uneasy at this show of emotion, for it has always been hard for me to express in words the love I have for others. But I opened my mouth and out it came, "I love you too." Then she said something that troubled me, "I'm afraid" she exclaimed in a weak and shaky voice. How my heart goes out to her. I felt so inadequate and yet I gave what encouragement I could before we had to leave. Her needs are great and our time is short.

My mind was kept busy throughout the day with the work and discussions we taught, but after returning home my thoughts went back to Hazel. I then remembered one of the great teaching of Jesus Christ, "When ye do it unto the least of these, ye do it unto me," and as I remembered Hazel's words, the spirit did witness to my soul that Jesus does indeed love me, and I wept.

Now to the casual reader this may seem unimportant, but this experience is a pearl unto me and has helped me develop my love for others. It is truly a blessing to be in the service of the Lord. A mission is truly a labor of love.